Independence Day is tomorrow and it’s worth celebrating if only because it’s about the only holiday we still celebrate on the right day (even if John Adams thought we ought to celebrate our nation’s independence on July 2nd). More than that, and much more than the beer and fireworks, it’s a celebration of our autonomy from external control and constraint, our nation’s freedom from external forces.
It’s quite a blessing, though it has me wondering how free I am from internal forces. I am a being of consciousness and often become imprisoned, not so much by what I don’t know, but by what I “know” that ain’t so. I (and undoubtedly you too) live under a brain, and therefore am not entirely free from its tendency toward “knowing” that I stink, that I am separate, that this universe is hostile and full of lack and limitation, that I am right and you are wrong, that you are stupid, etc. None of these things are true, and yet once I “know” they are, it stops me from knowing what IS true: that you and I are whole, beautiful and perfect expressions of Love.
It’s amazing how quickly my brain can believe it knows something or someone. I wouldn’t look at 1 piece of a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle and expect to know the big picture on the box, but my brain performs this amazing feat constantly. For instance, it thinks it can understand you based on one word, one look, or one action. Then, once it knows you, it will doggedly gather evidence to support that knowing. It’s crazy, and it greatly compromises my freedom, but on it goes. And I have a feeling that’s just what it will continue to do.
Here’s where I’m at now, especially in the realm of relationships. I can never understand anyone. What I generally think I know about you is only the tip of the iceberg. And, especially because I’m trying to know you based on my filters, judgments and perceptions (in other words, trying to understand you with only the tip of MY iceberg), my knowing becomes even more limited. I can’t see the unfathomable depths of God/love/being that you really are. I can’t see that at those depths, you and I are one. So if I ever have any hope of knowing you, I first have to plumb those depths in myself. I used to think I needed to understand someone before I could connect with them, now I know that’s bass ackwards. If I can go to my heart and make a connection with you first, I’ll know all I need to know about you.
This all came to light recently as we attended a retreat to mark the completion of our first year of Interfaith Ministry studies. We are doing the program by correspondence, so this retreat was the first time we actually met our classmates, our deans and the directors of the seminary. We had communicated all year by conference calls, emails and Yahoo groups. It’s hard to connect with people this way, based on “disembodied” words and stories, but that didn’t stop me from thinking I knew everyone. I had so many judgments (mostly not positive); I even “knew” what everyone looked like! I was almost 100% wrong on all counts, as usual. The retreat gave us the opportunity to connect heart-to-heart, and I fell deeply in love with everyone.
I see now why the Scots say, “I ken you” instead of “I love you”. It’s the same thing. When I open my heart and feel yours, I know all I need to know in order to love you. I know you’re just like me. I know you are just as screwed up as I am. I know you are doing the best you can. I know you’ve had horrible sadness, frustration and despair in your life. I now you’re looking for love. And I know that we are both spiritual beings, children of the divine; I know we are one. I may not understand your actions or your words, but I don’t have to (I’m still working on understanding mine!). I still have judgments, but I can see them for what they are: iceberg droppings. I can wrap them up in the love that we share and watch them melt. It’s much harder for them to make me forget the truth.
I’m practicing this now. And I’ve already noticed that it’s a lot easier to make a connection with someone when that is my primary intention. My trip home from the retreat, another Cecil B. DeMille United Airlines adventure story, provided multiple opportunities to practice. In one instance, I was trying to go standby on an earlier flight and was told by the agent that she would be with me in a minute. Ten minutes later, as she continued to make phone calls and shuffle papers, my head began to fill with judgments. I remembered my intention but I couldn’t use my usual arsenal of tools to make a connection (eye contact, smiles, hugs, etc.). I knew I’d find a way.
People joined the line, and I started answering their questions. “Oh, I hear the flight is booked but not overbooked.” “Yes, there are only 8 people on the standby list so far so it’s looking pretty good.” “No, this flight is scheduled to leave on time even though the earlier one to San Francisco is delayed.” I knew the agent was hearing all this, so I turned to her and said, “I want half your pay if I’m going to answer all these questions.”
She replied, “It won’t do you any good.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s gone before I see it.
“In that case, I want it all!”
She laughed and immediately her whole persona changed. And I could see that she had been confused and frustrated, trying to find help to figure out how to do something related to what everyone on line needed. I knew all I needed to know to love her.
To “understand” literally means to “stand in the midst of”, or even more literally, to “inter-stand.” So, when those iceberg droppings start plopping into the seas of my awareness I remember that in truth we are inter-standing, standing together in the truth of love and oneness. And when I think I know something else about us, I’m beginning to doubt it. It feels good to be just a little freer this Independence Day.
And if that’s all we remember, that’s more than enough for now.
