Years ago I heard a speaker say, \u201cNever ever \u2018should\u2019 on yourself or others.\u201d Hillary and I have both used that expression a lot ever since, but recently I have noticed that the word still shows up quite often in my vocabulary. Indeed, last week Hillary mentioned something she should do, and I very wisely (and nauseatingly) observed, \u201cThere are no shoulds; only choices and consequences.\u201d Hillary re-phrased her statement in a more empowering way and I emphatically responded, \u201cWell, that\u2019s how you should say it!\u201d We looked at each other for a split second and then simultaneously burst out laughing. It is a challenge to speak English and not use that word!<\/p>\n
Since then I\u2019ve had my ears tuned (they sound much better now) for the word and it\u2019s amazing not only how often it comes up but also in how many ways. It\u2019s also amazing how judgmental and disempowering the word often is, and how when we use it, we almost always really mean something else. In paying attention to the word, I\u2019ve noticed that as soon as it\u2019s used, it\u2019s as if all the air gets immediately sucked out of the room, assuming it\u2019s said in a room.<\/p>\n
Shoulds are so ubiquitous and so deleterious to our spiritual unfolding that I plan to write my next book about them. I\u2019ll lay out a general overview in this post and get more specific about some of the examples below in the next few posts.<\/p>\n
Sometimes it\u2019s pretty innocuous, such as in, \u201cI should be home by 11\u201d or \u201cThis should do the trick.\u201d In those cases, we\u2019re making a statement about what we expect, and it\u2019s no big deal. Unfortunately, that\u2019s not all we use it for.<\/p>\n
We should on ourselves when we believe we\u2019re not measuring up in some way, as in \u201cI should be richer (happier, thinner, smarter, more enlightened).\u201d My gosh, it\u2019s one thing to acknowledge areas in which we might choose to grow or improve and another to judge ourselves for these \u201cimperfections!\u201d I don\u2019t know about you, but I can\u2019t think of a single time I even thought about self-growth or self-improvement while I was in a place of shame or blame or guilt or negative self-judgment. This is perhaps the shoulding that is most detrimental to our self-worth.<\/p>\n
We also should on ourselves in regards to our choices; both those we\u2019ve already made and those we\u2019ve yet to make. The former goes something like this: \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have done this; I should have done that instead.\u201d Yikes. Not only is this type of shoulding judgmental and disempowering, it has us living in the past. And, while we\u2019re busy complaining or being resentful about the choice we\u2019ve made, it stops us from doing what we can to make that choice work.<\/p>\n
When we\u2019re faced with a choice, \u201cI should do ___\u201d is just plain not helpful. What are we basing that should on? Usually, it\u2019s based on what society might dictate, or what our mother might say, or what others might expect of us. Even if it\u2019s the choice we\u2019d prefer to make based on our core values and intentions, why say \u201cshould?\u201d My ego, the spoiled teenager that it is, hears that I should do something and tends to want to do exactly the opposite!<\/p>\n
The root of the word should means \u201cto be under an obligation.\u201d Do I have a greater obligation than to be true to myself? Is there a better criteria for my choices than my own core values, which tend to create win-win situations for all involved? When I say I should do something, it tends to rule out all other possibilities, as if I don\u2019t have a choice. So in all the above cases of shoulding on myself, I\u2019m working on replacing \u201cI should\u201d with \u201cI choose.\u201d<\/p>\n
Finally, I do a great deal of shoulding on others as well. \u201cHe\/She\/They\/The world should____ (be more grateful or more considerate or more like me, know better, give him or medal, string him up, not be so _____, etc.). Talk about judgmental! Once I have shoulded on you, it\u2019s an inevitable and easy step to go ahead and judge you, blame you, impose my reality upon you and attempt to fix you. As with all cases of should-itis, these shoulds keep me in my head, they solidify the veil of separation between us and they effectively prevent me from loving you.<\/p>\n
When I should on myself or on you, it\u2019s a quick ticket out of my heart. Perhaps there really are no shoulds; only choices and consequences. So it behooves me to pay attention to when it comes out of my mouth (or better yet, to when it\u2019s about to come out of my mouth) and change it to \u201cI choose.\u201d That\u2019s what I\u2019m focusing on lately, and I invite you to join me. I\u2019m also focusing on lovingly reminding people when I hear them use the word that perhaps they\u2019d choose to rephrase their statement. And, most of the time, I\u2019ve remembered to not say, \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t say should!\u201d<\/p>\n
And if that\u2019s all we remember, that\u2019s more than enough for now.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Years ago I heard a speaker say, \u201cNever ever \u2018should\u2019 on yourself or others.\u201d Hillary and I have both used that expression a lot ever since, but recently I have noticed that the word still shows up quite often in … Continue reading